IF WESTERNS ARE ABOUT GAYS, CALL ME JOANNA

BY BISWADEEP GHOSH

Yul Brynner and Queenie Cross have a job to do. They have to confront a bunch of brutal nuisance-makers. They take out their guns, look into each other's eyes, and kiss. Lovers, they are. And, professional killers, who may never ever get to spend intimate moments later. Used to Bollywood masala mixes with "action, emotion, drama and melodrama" -- the classic one-liner used to promote Hindi films through the radio once -- the heart weeps for them. How one wishes the guy was a tailor, and the girl a maidservant, so that they could have married and lived happily ever after. But here, in this Hollywood Western The Magnificent Seven, they have to deal with rugged criminals whom they must kill, failing which they will be dead.

Liar, cut the inanity. Stop fooling readers with your gibberish. You haven't watched The Magnificent Seven. Queenie Cross acted in just one film (Ginger Mick, 1920) that was released five years after Yul Brynner was born. Brynner's partner in crime in the film was Steve McQueen, you fool. That is right. The edit page being sacrosanct, I do not wish to misreport here, although cooking up fiction is pretty much up my street. Brynner and McQueen were the pair who were all set to hunt and, naturally, there was no Queenie. Both were great killers, and greater gay lovers.

God! This fellow cannot stop fabricating, which is natural. He has worked for a company that produced a gossip glossy, after all. I can hear the angered reactions of a few who have watched The Magnificent Seven a thousand times, and intend to double that figure. These are the same people who know their Westerns frame by frame. They are aware that Ang Lee has done a brilliant job in Brokeback Mountain, a love story of two cowboys, but refuse to believe that Westerns have a gay subtext just because some say so.

So, am I regressively anti-gay or plain homophobic? Or, is my perspective a ploy in disguise to attract attention that I badly need? All these questions have a common answer. No. For, a Western is a guy thing. Most fellows who act in it are men. Most viewers who adore it are men too. It is the antithesis of Mills and Boon which very few guys read but which most girls cannot do without at a certain stage in their lives.

How can one describe the atmosphere in the average Western? Mentally retarded. The characters are unidimensional cardboard cut-outs seeking action in life. Why so, only God knows. These characters inhabit a territory in which laws are meant to be broken. Rewards are announced for mindless crimes, and the good criminal (see Westerns to figure out what that means) triumphs over bad criminals. Women pop in and out, but the filmmaker is usually too preoccupied with the tussle between the good bad guy and the bad bad guy to show any serious human relationship.

Where there is a Western, killings are inevitable. How the criminal commits the murder is a major directorial concern. The bad bad guy, for instance, has a gun in his hand. The good bad guy, who seems unarmed, looks troubled. But before the former can lift his gun, he bends down and pulls out a knife from his boots. The knife hurtles towards the enemy, and penetrates his chest. The fellow moves around in great agony, and slowly, slowly, falls down. He is dead. The gun lies next to him. It could have been an old man's walking stick. The good bad guy walks off. Next scene.

Logic. Don't look for it. Sadness. Experience it occasionally when a weak person is brutalised. Thrill. Feel it whenever the hero occupies screen space. You know action will follow. A few lesser mortals will be shot. You are also cushioned by the comforting feeling that none of these blokes have actually died. After the scene had been shot, they must have been walking around with bright red paint on their chests and thighs.

In a ruthless world where men are pitted against men, it is but natural that some men become friendly with men as well. After all, their goal is to either find some hidden treasure or kill somebody. Relationships with women are shown briefly, because indulging in them would dilute the plot of the film. The pace will slacken, sob stories for untimely deaths have to be incorporated, killing the film altogether.

Brokeback Mountain is not your average Western. It is an emotional film with cowboys as heroes and lovers. So, it is a pity that suddenly, a few are using the film to say how Westerns have gay subtexts. Actually, there is a grave problem with political correctness. Some use it as a device for bulls*******.

(The copyright of this article rests with The Maharashtra Herald, Pune)